Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Truth

I can't do it.

I am weak.

I thought I was busy.... I had no idea.

I am completely reliant on The Lord.

This cancer has taken me to a new level of brokenness. This cancer treatment is hard with 4 lils at home. 

Oh Lord, have mercy on me, I need healing!!

I have been so stressed about this regime that I have failed. 

People tell me I'm brave. Random strangers tell me I'm strong. People act like I have something special that allows me to survive under this burden. I do.

It's someone, Jesus. My Jesus! I have lost sight. I've put more trust in my ability to follow the cancer regime than His ability to heal. I have failed and now I'm sitting here in a waiting room waiting for an ultrasound on my neck that is swollen and painful.

Oh Lord have mercy on me and heal me please!

I'm often told I should blog. I agree. I have no idea when or if anyone would read the ramblings a of a broken human but we shall see.

14 comments:

  1. Oh Autumn. I am glad you blogged because your struggle had fallen off my radar and now I can be more intentional about praying. I am writing your name on a card and putting it on my computer. You are not going to be forgotten again. Praying that God will heal you!! Praying that you will be filled with His peace and presence tonight, tomorrow and beyond!!

    Julia Nalle

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  2. I am so glad that you posted this...just today I was thinking of you and wondering how you were doing. I will be praying for the strength that you need and the overwhelming comfort that only our Saviour can give. He alone is the ultimate healer and we are just weak vessels without him. Thank you for sharing and yes someone is reading your ramblings and praying for you!

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  3. big huggs give it to the lord he has this..take it one day at a time...

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  4. Praying for you Autumn

    Sending you a hug from Tennessee

    ~suzanne

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  5. Hi Autumn!

    God has never promised physical healing in this world, but he HAS promised strength for whatever He allows to come our way.

    When my maternal grandmother was in her late teens, she contracted something that threatened her life, and the doctors told her mother (my great-grandmother) that her daughter just wasn't going to pull through. (I don't remember what it was she had, and, since my mother, as the third child in her family, was born in 1924, we're talking nearly 100 years ago.)

    My great-grandmother went to God and told Him He HAD to heal her daughter, as she just couldn't live without her. God answered her prayer, and things seemed fine -- until Grandma came down with Parkinson's disease when Mom was about 5.

    Mom has said that, many, many, times down through the years her grandmother said, "God saw this coming, He wanted to spare your mother by laying her to rest, and I wouldn't let Him. Don't EVER try to tell God what to do."

    While none of us want you to die, the best I can say is -- search God's word, bring your life into harmony with it (remembering that He only commands what will bless us, and only forbids what will hurt us), and leave the future in His all-knowing hands. He knows what is best for you and your family, and you can trust Him 1,000,000%! His ways are often not "our" ways, but His way is ALWAYS best. We may not ever see it in this life but, in the earth made new, we'll be able to look back and say, "Yes, God, You really DID know what you were doing, and I would not have it any way other than the way You did it.

    Keep your courage up, and your face turned heavenward. Find Bible promises for strength and courage, write them on cards, and carry them with you everywhere. (Better yet, memorize them! If you need help memorizing Bible verses, check out www.swordscript.com for free, downloadable Scripture memorization software. I've been using it for a little over 4 1/2 years, and it has revolutionized my life.)

    Satan is out to discourage you, but he can't force you to think morose thoughts. Yes, he can suggest them to your mind, and can TRY to make them center-stage in your "vision" -- but he is a defeated foe. You have the power (with God's help) to replace those negative thoughts with Scripture.

    Kathy
    Cleveland, TN

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    kyhtak said...
    Hi Autumn!

    God has never promised physical healing in this world, but he HAS promised strength for whatever He allows to come our way.

    When my maternal grandmother was in her late teens, she contracted something that threatened her life, and the doctors told her mother (my great-grandmother) that her daughter just wasn't going to pull through. (I don't remember what it was she had, and, since my mother, as the third child in her family, was born in 1924, we're talking nearly 100 years ago.)

    My great-grandmother went to God and told Him He HAD to heal her daughter, as she just couldn't live without her. God answered her prayer, and things seemed fine -- until Grandma came down with Parkinson's disease when Mom was about 5.

    Mom has said that, many, many, times down through the years her grandmother said, "God saw this coming, He wanted to spare your mother by laying her to rest, and I wouldn't let Him. Don't EVER try to tell God what to do."

    While none of us want you to die, the best I can say is -- search God's word, bring your life into harmony with it (remembering that He only commands what will bless us, and only forbids what will hurt us), and leave the future in His all-knowing hands. He knows what is best for you and your family, and you can trust Him 1,000,000%! His ways are often not "our" ways, but His way is ALWAYS best. We may not ever see it in this life but, in the earth made new, we'll be able to look back and say, "Yes, God, You really DID know what you were doing, and I would not have it any way other than the way You did it.

    Keep your courage up, and your face turned heavenward. Find Bible promises for strength and courage, write them on cards, and carry them with you everywhere. (Better yet, memorize them! If you need help memorizing Bible verses, check out www.swordscript.com for free, downloadable Scripture memorization software. I've been using it for a little over 4 1/2 years, and it has revolutionized my life.)

    Satan is out to discourage you, but he can't force you to think morose thoughts. Yes, he can suggest them to your mind, and can TRY to make them center-stage in your "vision" -- but he is a defeated foe. You have the power (with God's help) to replace those negative thoughts with Scripture.

    Kathy
    Cleveland, TN

    (I'm not sure if this actually got posted or not. If it did, just delete this second copy. KK

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  7. I'm reading. We adopted about the same time you adopted and I have read your blog since then. I often wonder how you are. I can't say I know what you are going through personally, but I know that God does and He WILL give you the strength for each day. It might not feel like you have the strength for tomorrow or next year, but in this moment, He will be there. Even though it may feel like you are alone and can't keep fighting at times, God gives purpose and meaning to all things. He will never leave you or forsake you. He is not the author of cancer and I do not believe he has given it to you to teach you anything as many would say, but he takes everything meant for evil and makes it good.

    I saw this quote this morning:
    “God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.”

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  8. I have been waiting for an update. I am sorry you are in a rough place. I pray for peace and healing. I hope you do start blogging again. I've missed your blogs!

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  9. I read, though I don't often comment. I hope you get the healing you need.

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  10. So sorry to hear you are suffering and still fighting this cancer. I check your blog regularly to see how you and your littles are doing. I started following your blog when you went to pick up the 2 little guys from the orphanage in Ukraine. I will pray for you and that you will feel God's presence daily. Wish I could help in other ways. Blessings.

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  11. I will totally read and try to lift you up as much as I could! I have been praying for you already over and over! God Bless you and your family!

    Hugs from California!
    Donna Dickman
    Donnadman@aol.com

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  12. Thank you for posting. Thank you for sharing your heart. Prayers and Hugs for you and your family.

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